Clueless White House Uses Satire Column To Defend Budget It Brutalizes
If anyone needed proof that no one in the White House reads, it showed up in blazing glory on the official White House page 1600 Daily on Friday. Right under the heading ‘News Reports’, the administration posted an article that is clearly satire — if one reads beyond the headline. The purpose was apparently to defend Donald Trump’s savage budget cut proposals.
As The Hill pointed out in its coverage, satire columnist Alexandra Petri is ‘brutal’ in her attack on Trump’s budget. However, the headline sounds glowing: ‘Trump’s budget makes perfect sense and will fix America, and I will tell you why.’
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In the very first paragraph, Petri describes opponents to the proposed budget as ‘wimps,’ saying:
Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney has called it a ‘hard power budget’ which is, I think, the name of an exercise program where you eat only what you can catch, pump up your guns and then punch the impoverished in the face. This, conveniently, is also what the budget does.
Seriously, how much effort and education does it take to get to the third sentence? Of course, then there’s the question of actually processing what is being said.
Petri provides an absolutely hysterical take-down of the cuts that Trump has laid out. At least, the satire would be hysterical if it weren’t also painfully close to the truth. Her tongue-in-cheek interpretation is that, if you don’t survive the cuts, it’s because you’re ‘SOFT and WEAK,’ then she enumerates some aspects of American life that will be affected:
The State Department, cut by 29%.
Since the Department’s employees are apparently a miserable, do-nothing lot, the money can be put to far better use that will get the job done:
With the money we will save on these sad public servants, we will be able to buy lots of GUNS and F-35s and other cool things that go BOOM and POW and PEW PEW PEW.
Environmental Protection Agency.
Useless, because clean water and air are making us ‘soft’:
We must go back to the America that was great, when the air was full of coal and danger and the way you could tell if the air was breathable was by carrying a canary around with you at all times, perched on your leathery, coal-dust-covered finger.
We don’t need farming. It’s not a manly pursuit. We must go back to our paleolithic roots, or something like that:
NO MORE OF THIS NAMBY-PAMBY “GATHERING” NONSENSE. We will be HUNTERS again. This is also why we are cutting the Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children: Let them FIGHT for their meat or have NONE.
National Institutes of Health.
We don’t need research to conquer disease. Instead, with the ‘hard power’ of the Trump administration, this will happen:
In the future we will cure disease by punching it, or, if that fails, sending drones after it. Also, we will buy more planes and guns to shoot airborne viruses out of the sky.
Affordable housing is a luxury that we can, and should, do without:
Donald Trump does not live in affordable housing and neither should you.
And The Satire Goes On.
At this point, the writer is just getting warmed up, with plenty of ammunition to follow. Does this sound like anything but satire to you, dear reader? Would anyone in their right mind use these points as a defense? Even if the administration did a quick scan to the end, the article’s sign-off is so ridiculous that no one would take it seriously — would they?
AMERICA WILL BE STRONGER THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN! Anyone who survives will be a gun covered in the fur of a rare mammal, capable of fighting disease with a single muscular flex. RAW POWER! HARD RAW POWER GRRRRRR HISSS POW!
Seriously, White House? This is what you want to use for your defense?
Sigh. It’s going to be a very long four years.
Feature photo, People Laughing by Richard Foster on flickr.